I never intended to hurt Shayla that day. We had been through too much for me to hurt her like I had before. We had overcome the unthinkable in a marriage.
We had overcome an affair just 16 months prior. I never wanted to see her hurt like that again.
When we woke up, we were filled with anticipation and excitement for what we had planned for the day. We were on day 3 of a cruise from Miami through Key West to Cozumel. Snorkeling was on the agenda without a worry in the world. Little did we know that when we would fall asleep at the close of the day, the pain in Shayla’s eyes would replicate the same pain that I saw when she was confronted with the nightmare that I had stepped out of our marriage and into a relationship with another woman.
The shadow that was lurking in the dark was back.
For 16 months, I had suppressed the shadow. It had come back with a vengeance with a one item agenda. To steal what it had tried to previously steal.
To those around me and especially Shayla, they never saw the shadow during those 16 months because I had become a master of hiding it. Or at least I was a master of running just fast enough that it remained out of sight.
If I didn’t acknowledge it, I somehow convinced myself that it wasn’t there. However, it never went away. The thing is about your shadow is it’s a reflection of who you are and what you’ve done in your past. It is there to haunt you.
It was always there, waiting to wreak havoc the moment I became too comfortable. That is until my eyes were opened to another way. My eyes were opened to the truth that I didn’t have to be defined by my shadow, by my past. The last day that the shadow cast its darkness over me was January 30th, 2008.
The shadow was my addiction to alcohol.
January 30th, 2008 was the last time I had a drink.
For the past 12 years, I’ve said no to the silent drug that nearly stole my marriage and tried to destroy me. Today we celebrate.
It started as just one day.
For someone reading this, today needs to be the day that everything changes. Today needs to be the day that you say no to the addiction. Today needs to be the day that you no longer try to outrun your own shadow but confront it. Today needs to be your day too.
For nearly 10 years the shadow consumed me.
I didn’t try to hide it. I was consumed by it. That’s how an addiction works. It started as just something fun to do in college with my friends. Then it became something I would do on my own to cover wounds that I had carried most of my life.
When you don’t have it, you want it.
When you have it, you want more of it.
When you’ve had too much of it, you tell yourself you are going to stop but within a few days, the craving comes back and the cycle begins again.
When I was intoxicated, I felt invincible. I could be somebody else while the buzz took over my thoughts and actions. If I was distracted, everything was great. The moment the buzz began to wear off and I caught a glimpse of what I had become, the emotion would be too much for me to fight off.
Some nights ended in an argument with Shayla, other nights I would sob uncontrollably while repeatably saying to Shayla, if you knew who I really was, you wouldn’t love me.
Shayla would hope for the nights that I would pass out before the anger or tears would begin. She didn’t deserve any of it. To this day, it saddens me to know how I treated her, and she continued to be there for me, hoping that maybe one of the nights would be my last to put the poison to my lips.
It never was.
If you or someone you know has battled an addiction, you have felt the same emotions. The never-ending cycle of an addiction never runs its course. It continues to feed on itself to convince you that you need more of it.
Nobody takes their first drink of alcohol with the goal of becoming an alcoholic.
Nobody takes their first drink of alcohol with the goal of losing their marriage because of infidelity.
Nobody takes their first drink of alcohol with the goal of losing their family or throwing their life away.
It’s a slow and gradual process that often goes unnoticed until it’s too late. The shadow stays hidden in the dark until it sees an opportunity to attack.
The shadow of alcohol was the reason for the majority of our marital conflict during the first 7 years of our marriage.
The late nights out traveling when I would be passed out in my hotel room, too drunk to answer Shayla’s concerned call.
The day long drinking binges while fishing or going to a Royals game only to come home without having any idea who won the game.
The numerous times I would drive while intoxicated, ignoring Shayla’s plea to call her for a ride.
I wasn’t exactly the husband that she dreamed of having. It all came crashing down right before our 7th anniversary when Shayla found out about the affair that I was having. You can read more about it here from a previous blog post.
As we began to work on repairing our marriage, we put very strict boundaries around drinking.
1-We would not drink alone.
2-We would only drink causally and not to the point of getting drunk.
For 16 months, I stayed within the boundaries. However, my shadow saw an opportunity to attack. We were on a cruise and had a day excursion of snorkeling. While on the return trip back to Cozumel, there was an open bar. We were together and having a couple of drinks, enjoying the sunshine of Mexico and staying within the rules we had set regarding drinking. Things quickly turned when I saw an opening to push the boundaries.
I volunteered to go to the bar to get us drinks rather than get drinks from the waiter who was walking around. I knew that Shayla was counting the number of drinks so I thought if I could go get them for us, I could sneak an extra one.
I would take a shot of tequila, drink a beer and then return to Shayla with a margarita. I would repeat this again and again until I lost track of the number of times.
I became incredibly intoxicated.
As we made our way back onto the cruise ship and into our room, the pain in Shayla’s eyes was the exact pain I saw on the morning when she found out about the affair just 16 months prior. She was completely devastated.
Devastated that I had ignored the boundaries and intentionally disrespected her. Devastated that the Bryan that we both thought I had left in the past was back.
Here’s the unique piece to this story. The cruise we were on was the K-Love Cruise. K-Love is a national syndicated Christian radio station that plays all the top Christian music. Each January, they have a cruise with normal activities and excursions during the days but Christian concerts in the evening as entertainment.
While we were not the only ones drinking on the snorkeling excursion, it wasn’t like we were on some party boat and everybody was going crazy. We were in a safe environment, but the shadow saw an opening and attacked.
The shadow’s voice screamed inside my head.
Bryan, you didn’t get rid of me.
Bryan, I am still here haunting you.
Bryan, you didn’t think I would stay quiet forever, did you?
Bryan, man did I miss you like this.
Bryan, you are nothing but a drunk.
All the emotions that I had suppressed for 16 months came flooding back as the night went on. I had so many voices in my head screaming as loud as they could. I wanted it all to go away.
I left the room to go to a concert that we had been looking forward to all week. I would have to go alone because she was too hurt to go with. I would have to go to the Jeremy Riddle concert by myself.
After stumbling my way to the small bar area that Jeremy was playing in, I found a pillar in the middle of the room to lean against. Not only was the ship swaying back and forth, but I was having a hard time standing up on my own.
As I stood there listening, the words that I heard hit me like nothing ever before.
Jeremy began to sing Sweetly Broken and when he got to the chorus, everything changed.
At the cross you beckon me.
You draw me gently to my knees.
And I am lost for words, so lost in love.
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.
It was in that moment that I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit say this to me.
Bryan, you gave your life to me over 15 months ago, but you didn’t give me this. Leave your addiction at the foot of the cross and I will bear your addiction.
On October 8, 2006, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. However, I didn’t completely surrender. I admitted my need for a savior and asked for my broken heart to be healed. Not only did Jesus heal my heart and forgive me of my sins, He restored our marriage and reconciled our relationship. But through that decision, I still hung onto my alcohol addiction. I hid the shadow by putting boundaries around it because I thought I could control it on my own.
And I did control it on my own until January 30, 2008 when the shadow came out of the darkness.
With tears streaming down my face, I turned my bloodshot eyes to heaven and cried out to the only one that could save me from the shadow.
Jesus, take this from me. I cannot do this on my own. I give my addiction to you.
From that moment of surrender, I have been 100% sober. My addiction was healed the moment I asked Jesus to take it from me.
I wholly surrendered all of me.
The shadow disappeared.
There is no shadow when the light of Jesus is shining.
4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
The light shines brighter than the darkness.
12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
When I finally let the light of Jesus shine on my addiction rather than keep it hidden, I was able to be healed from it. I had to acknowledge what it was rather than continue to hide it. Once I admitted my struggle, there was freedom in my weakness. The Bible tells us that we can be strong in our weakness.
10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
In my weakest moment, I was made strong.
Without Jesus, I am nothing.
Without Jesus, I am broken.
With Jesus, I am rescued.
With Jesus, I am healed.
The first verse of Sweetly Broken says this.
To the cross I look and to the cross I cling.
Of its suffering, I do drink, of its work I do sing.
On it my Savior, both bruised and crushed.
Showed that God is love and God is just.
From that moment on, I would drink from the cross and not from the bottle.
If you are in the middle of an addiction, admit your brokenness and the need for a savior to rescue you from the pit of darkness. Stop pretending that you can fight it on your own. It’s okay to show weakness but know that it is Jesus who will give you the strength to fight off the shadow.
Invite Jesus into your addiction and let Him work a miracle.
A recent morning began just like any other morning. The alarm sounded and I got ready as the rest of the house continued to sleep. Within 30 minutes, I was out the front door. I was going to get my run in before most of the neighborhood would venture out of bed. The streetlights still glowing orange under the darkness of night. The crisp cold air hit my lungs and the distance increased on my GPS watch with each step.
Everything was fine until I was shockingly startled.
It wasn’t from an oncoming car. It wasn’t from a dog barking as I turned a corner.
It was from behind me.
At first, I could see it out of the corner of eye. Then it became more prevalent.
My heart rate spiked, adrenaline rushed my veins.
I increased my speed hoping to shake it.
All of this happened within just a couple of seconds. It was if time had slowed down.
When I picked up my pace, whatever was chasing me did too. With each foot drop, the gap narrowed between the two of us.
I then realized exactly what it was.
A shadow. My shadow to be exact.
It had frightened me to my core. Within a few minutes, my heart rate decreased to its normal rhythm and the tingle throughout every pore in my body slowly faded.
As my shadow passed me under the glow of the streetlights, I thought to myself…no matter how fast I run, I could never outrun my shadow.
If I had been running in the daylight later in the day, I never would have been startled. It’s only in the darkness that the shadow makes its move.
I continued my run, thinking back to that lonely day 12 years earlier when I had hit rock bottom. I was drunk again after thinking I could control my addiction. When I let Jesus into my addiction, light exposed the darkness and the shadow disappeared. For the 10 years prior to that moment, I tried to run faster and faster to outrun the shadow, but it was never quite fast enough.
My shadow would continue to catch me. Time and time again.
Once I stopped running and let Jesus fight the battle for me, the shadow disappeared. I no longer had to live in the past. I could be the new creation that Jesus promises us when we follow Him. I could put off my old self and put on my new self, created in God’s image.
20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
He will do the same for you. Whatever has happened in the past, healing is possible. You do not have to hide behind the addiction. The addiction doesn’t define who you are.
You are loved. You are forgiven. You are made new.
Whatever shadow you might be running from, it will be impossible to outrun. Today can be the start of the freedom you have desperately longed for.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
Bryan
About Bryan Moffitt
He is a speaker, writer and hope giver. His passion is to see others experience the same freedom that he has through an authentic relationship with Jesus. He is a marathon runner and a father to Addyson and Cayson. Bryan has been married to his best friend, Shayla, for over 20 years. Together, they are co-founders of ANGUISHED HEARTS. You can follow them on FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM.